My Nauseating Romance (minus the love)

.... Tyler Durden replied my tweet. That would be like, the closest I'd ever get of having a famous person replying my tweets. Yes, I am that sad. And desperate. I mean, what the hell do I have to do to get Ruki or Matthew Gray Gubler or whoever else I stalk. Dammit. =w=

Ok forget about that, just butthurt fangirl rambling. YEAH YOU DONT CARE ABOUT THAT!

Anyway HAPPY 2011! 8D I think.. this is my first post of the year? Yeah I guess so, since Im lazy as usual, and I can muster the slightest energy to blablabla about whatever. Well 2010 was interesting. Every year you learn more about yourself, and other people.. the people you care about, the people you didnt think you'd care for. Well let me tell you something I've learned; people change. Yea bitch they change. Even your best friend, someone you'd think would always be there for you will change. It just depends whether you change accordingly or you learn to compromise with that changed person. Well, eventually you'll get what I'm saying.

In recent years I learned that highschool friends or anyone you went to school with wont always be your friends. Best friends from grade school till death? Come on, that RARELY EVER happens. Now thanks to social networking you can keep tabs with your old friends via facebook and myspace (or whatever you lame ppl use) and dont have to actually talk to them! Isnt that something?! I know whats going on with all my old classmates, but I havent actually talked to them in 4 years! Cool huh?

My best friend from high school deleted her facebook a couple of months ago. Now she's active only on formspring and her blog I guess. I remember I used to call her every friggin day, just to talk. I was bored and I never could get a long with anyone from college. Hell, even in highschool I'd call her everyday after school lol. When facebook became the rage I'd start calling her less and interact more online. Hey, it was cheaper and much more practical. We could share links and pics and everything so it was cool. I'd still call her more or less though when I started getting bored. Sometimes she'd sms me too. But the interaction later became less and less... so did the interaction between me and my other close school friends. Yes, change came. I wasnt the same person I was 5 years ago.

Now that my friend deleted her fb, I havent heard much from her. Last time I did was around my bday. Lol the ironic (shitty mostly) part of it her phone is unreachable too. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO CONTACT YOU SHAGY?! ARRGHH!! D<

Well, my point is.... some friends will break up eventually. I still love my shagy-poooh but the truth is, we're not the same ppl we were back then. Life happened. Her heart was broken, my life was torn, we've met ppl on another side who we find we can connect to much better.. and yet we both know we'll always be there for each other. Like the happy ending of a tragic love story. Yes, I'm overly dramatic.

That cant be said for most of the people I meet. Last year I lost.................... 3, maybe 4 friends? Sad really, cuz I dont make friends so easily anymore. 2 of those friends were people I really cared for. Well, one of them, lets just say we had creative differences. There was nothing really creative about our dispute, but the thing is that she kinda failed to compromise with my fury rage that comes ever so often.............. stop judging me. =w=


Its very rare to find someone so compatible with your character~ Let me tell you a story how I met sachi~e. If I or sachi~e told you this story, you might know that we met randomly in a class a couple of years ago. And it was like fate that brought us together. Yes it true, but I never told anyone what really was happening. Well, its like this, for me, it was like love at first sight. Its weird really, I dont know what love at first sight feels like, but when I first saw her I really wanted to be her friend. I felt she was different from anyone else in the class and I was hoping she sat near enough so I could probably talk to her or something. BEHOLD, SHE DID. lol she found an empty seat next to me. Well, at that time I had issues.. i didnt know how to speak to ppl and I was paranoid. So I ended up not speaking to her~

The following week she came in late, and she sat beside me again. While doing our work I noticed her notebook. I saw her drawings and sketches and doodle. I was relieved finally I had something in common with her. I wanted to speak, but Istill couldnt. Lmao I'm so weird, now that I'm remembering it the more it seems like a lesbian love story of some sort. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OHH MAIIIIII AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH well, no, im completely straight. Anyway, i ended up not talking to her again. Sad (pathetic), ne?

But the following week I figured, if I cant open my damn mouth to speak to her, then I'll have to make her speak to me first. So heres something I did that even sachi~e doesnt know.... 8DD I opened my notebook that was also filled with sketches and doodles and shit and I put it at an angle where she would see it. Yes it sounds lame, but come on, I completely lacked self confidence that time! I couldnt even look ppl in the eye dammit. And yea, it worked. XDD I DONT REGRET DOING THAT. I COULDNT OPEN MY MOUTH SO I LET MY DRAWING DO THE TALKING!! -dont judge me dammit. =w=


Anyway, I'm glad I did that. I found someone compatible for me. I may not find love, may never find it, but its ok. I found someone I cant let go. Lol. Which brings me to lost friend #2, where I almost lost sachi~e because of him. I think... if things didnt turn out they way they are now.. I might have lost her. I cant bare that. Honestly, you know, the very first person I opened up to when my dad left was her. It was weird, we were just having lunch together and I just got to know her... but I blurted it out to her anyway. We're awesome that way. 8D

Thank you sachi~e for failing 5 times at the same class!

NOLAN IS AWESOME. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY HE WASNT NOMINATED FOR BEST DIRECTOR FOR THE OSCARS. I THINK THATS BULLSHIT AND I CALL CONSPIRACY, JUST LIKE IT WAS A FUCKEEN FB CONSPIRACY THE SOCIAL NETWORK WON BEST PICTURE FOR THE OTHER AWARD SHOW THAT ESCAPES MY MIND AT THE MOMENT.

Oh and I'm in love with Cillian Murphy.


That is all.

When the World is Kind, but Reality Stays Cruel

This life... its such a bitch.

Everytime you think you have everything under control for the first time.. it turns around and smacks you in the face. "Haha Loser"

Oh fuck you life.

Its not that I aint grateful... but you know the feeling when you have no idea what you're doing? As in, wheres the life you live? Like wondering what the hell you've been doing all this time? *sigh* Such annoyance.. the people around me, my routine, my dreams, reality, my relationships with people... I wish there was more.






Again with the whiny ranting of how fucked up this life is. Fuck you its my blog I can say whatever I want. Yes I'm childish.

But you know what? There's a difference between being childish and being immature. I like to consider myself a childish adult. Why? Cuz I can take on the responsibility life throws at me. Unlike this person whom I will not name cuz it doesnt matter, lets just say this person is a guy. So this guy likes to ramble on about how fucked up life is, like me. :D But alas! This person's luck isn't as bad as mine. I'd like to state why, and what makes my life so difficult, but I dont feel comfortable talking about it on a public blog. I dont know what his life is messed up about, but I doubt he suffers as much as I do. Sure, he got his issues, but I'd think they're more to self-issued issue rather than life's fun way of saying "fuck you". Anyway, why compare him and me? Cuz this "guy".... just annoys me. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.

Sigh... well, when life throws you lemons... you just have to enjoy the sourness. Put it in your mouth and cry, but you'll feel something awesome. Bitter, sour, but ironically amusing. When you have a negative take on your so-called "fucked-up" life, when you say everything bad always happens to me... when you think bad luck is stalking you... you know.. just STFU. People have it worst than you, so just get on with your self pitying life. Like me, I like to ramble and pity myself a lot. Why? No one gives a fuck. So after emo-ing, I just carry on. I mean, lifes like that, you cant expect everything to be rolled out in front of you, unless you're privileged. Damn, I wished I was privileged. You can't call yourself a man if you keep pitying the way your life is. If you hate your life so much, than fucking change it. Whats stopping you, rite? Money? Relationships? Fuck all of them, its your life, go live it! Cuz no one's gonna live it for you.

One thing I learned from watching Doctor Who is to just forget it all, and go where your heart desires. Its scary, but I cant live static for the rest of my life. My mind wont allow me. If I'm destined to be poor the rest of my life, then I'd find other ways to take me places.







Having ties to someone.. its heavy. I watched that George Clooney movie, Up in The Air and his motivational philosophy intrigued me, about the backpack stuff. How heavy ties and bonds to other people are. The closer the heavier. Its true you know.... the more you care the more you feel dragged behind in life. But really, why do we do it? Why tie yourself to other people? Fear of dying alone? Fear of being forgotten? We all die alone. But what is life without cherishing it with someone?






There are 2 voices in my head. One is a really dark part of me. Has no emotions, has violent thoughts and just hates everything. Somehow I think, if this part of me ever takes over.. I will be a sociopath. I mean, I dont know how to prove I do have really really scary thoughts... some might say I'm just trying to be cool or something, like making it up. Yea I do have a thing for sociopaths (Sherlock, Dexter) but that doesn't mean I wanna be emotionless and act violent for no reason. And when I say I have depression I'm not lying. =w= FYI. But another part of me, remains human. The part of me that wants to believe the good in people, that wants to love everyone. That gives a damn.

So whats my point? Well, these 2 voices in my head.... are bugging me. Confusing me to the point I dont know whats right or wrong. To be reckless, to embrace the darkness that haunts me, or to be the caring aneue people turn to. Arghh my head is a soap opera. My best friend wants to be happy, I wanna see her happy. But I cant. Misery loves company? Or am I just jealous? Jealous of what? I always believed deep down the nicer part of me knows the answers, but is suppressed by the mean part....





I need a coke. =w=

I hate you all, you know. But I love you.

I see you hiding with your tears
This song is written for you
It bends into your story
Everytime its played over

Energy lifts up from the trees, my heart
Fitting the ears listening

A golden glitter thread weaving
Into the garment of tears
Spinning and releasing your thoughts
Untucking the moment from your heart

Love Love Love
Here they come, my lambent fireflies
Surrounding you, lighting up your trail
Love Love Love
Close your eyes, were all under the same sky
You have me
Whoever you are
I love you.

Everyone is included
Take your time if you need rest
Fall asleep, Ill watch over you
Youll wake when youve had enough

Energy lifts up from the soil, flowers
Turning distress to strength

Whatever you do, dont give a damn what they say
You are wonderful just the way you are
Cant stop whats coming your way

Love Love Love
From highlands whispering out, calling your name
Brightening your north star
Love Love Love
Close your eyes, lets dance together all night
You dont need anything
This is real to me

Love Love Love
From highlands whispering out, calling your name
Brightening your north star
Love Love Love
Here they come, my lambent fireflies
Surrounding you, lighting up your trail
Love Love Love
Close your eyes
Were all under the same sky
You have me
Whoever you are
I love you.

"It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years, I had roses, and apologized to no one. I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An Inch, it is small and it is fragile, but it is the only thing the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you. -Valerie"

Tonight, we die.

The red moon shines brightly
as it mocks the diamonds of the land
glass tears brake and shatter
i call back, take my hand

To the brightest star I would see,
come to me, come to me,
before tonight dies
and the dawn roams free
as it takes away the darkness that I hold so dear
will I see your eyes
in the morning
or would the rain come down
and make it the end of me

Take me away
sail me free
into everafter
bring me into your wonderland, gumdrops or pearls
the shadow grows larger, i am a coward, am i a coward
my mask is breaking

The lost queen is dying
the butterflies are on the move
the clouds have parted
but will the light shine through?

A new day.

What About Now lyrics
Songwriters: Hartzler, Josh; Hodges, David; Moody, Ben;

Shadows fill an empty heart as love is fading
From all the things that we are but are not saying
Can we see beyond the scars and make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky and open up to
The ways you made me feel alive, the ways I loved you
For all the things that never died
To make it through the night, love will find you

What about now? What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late, what about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes to start a new day
This broken heart can still survive with a touch of your grace
Shadows fade into the light
I am by your side, where love will find you

What about now? What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late, what about now?

Now that we're here, now that we've come this far
Just hold on
There is nothing to fear, for I am right beside you
For all my life, I am yours

What about now? What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

What about now? What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late, baby, before it's too late
Baby, before it's too late, what about now?

Someday, maybe.

Dream come true? XDD

lol. but that was a long time ago, ne? XDD

Of the Supernatural and ...Merlin~ *and spoilers galore!*

Ok, before I forget.. HAHAHAAHA PON CHYAN!! I WAS RIGHT DAMMIT!!!!! SEE MY AWESOME THEORY OF SAM'S ROLE IN SUPERNATURAL!!! fuck, but still... lame... >.>

ok, spoiler:

lol-ed so freakin hard at Dean's attempt to corrupt Castiel. hahahaha Ohh.. the joy of watching those two... i wish i could yaoi them... ahahaaha Castiel's face was so funny!!! And I want surprised the hooker went out screaming~ hahahahaha!! well, at least it was because of nothing I would *cough* have imagined *cough*

Just stick to the basics, DO NOT order off the menu!

Moving on... Merlin has come back into my life, and I am happily fangirling Arthur again, played by teh most awesome Bradley James~ And.. in the first episode of the second season, we first see him... scruffy, just woke up and not wearing a shirt... (nosebleed) ahhh... that scene was MADE FOR THE FANGIRLS!!! AND I LOVED IT!! KYAAAAAAAA!! (<--- mandatory fangirl scream) But the thing is, I'm so pissed off at the direction of the series is going...

*spoilers!! spoilers!!!*


Ok, we see in season 1, Gwen was like, all over Merlin, and Arthur had something for Morgana right? So what the hell, come in season 2, where the hell did these "moments" between Gwen and Arthur come from? I mean, the only hint of it in season 1 was the last episode where Arthur was sick and dying AND unconscious and Gwen was by his side, saying those "ganbatte" lines or whatever... and in the series, Gwen just so happens to be a maid! WTH?!! The people behind the series just want to make up this sorry excuse for a love tragedy or something? And would Merlin be ok with ArthurxGwen, since in the trailer of one of the episodes he was kissing Gwen, but crying at the same time~ And he was the one with all the "moments" with Gwen, so HE TAKE GWEN LAAA!!! (huh! yes kay! LET SHE BE WITH MERLIN!! BWHAHA!!)



It'll be much more interesting if Arthur were paired up with Morgana, since she's a seer, and Uther really wants magical beings to die. Imagine, Arthur eloping with Morgana for fear of Uther~ But then he wouldn't get the throne now would he? But it still would be much more interesting if he was with Moragana nonetheless. Anyway, Gwen would also bring the downfall of Arthur, the Old Dragon should tell that to Merlin. Tell Merlin he should kill Gwen. haahahahahahahahaa!!!! DIE BITCH!! DIE!!!!!!!!

(In the legend Gwen commits adultery with Lancelot, henceforth brings the downfall of King Arthur, Arthur went out to kill Lancelot, putting Gwen under Mordred's care but later married her and stole the thrown. Arthur killed him, but was wounded and was brought to Avalon (or on the lines of something like tht =.=). If you remember, Mordred was the druid boy Merlin and Morgana tried to save, even after being told by the dragon he'd be the death of Arthur.. ironically it was Arthur that sent him back to his people.)

Another thing I want to clear up for some Merlin fans is about Excalibur. In the series Merlin went and threw the sword in a lake. Some people said this was stupid, because, well, in all places why the hell throw it in a lake? This is because in one of the Arthurian legends, Arthur receives Excalibur from the Lady of the Lake, also known as Nimueh.

Speaking of Nimueh, in one of the legends, she is supposedly Merlin's apprentice and later Merlin falls in love with her, building her a house by the lake of Diana. Merlin tells her a weird story of Diana and her lover, how she trapped her lover and poured hot lead onto him (as if there isnt another way to kill a guy) so she could be with some knight. The guy saw how fucking assed crazy Diana was and so he cut of her head and threw her body in the lake. This kinda mirrored what Nimueh did later on, as she trapped Merlin in a tomb (Merlin saw it coming, he but he didnt do anything and just went on teaching Nimueh everything he knew).



So, like hell I'd end this post without mentioning Morgana's original character. Her actual name is Morgan le Fay, alternatively known as Morgana which I like to call her. So in the legend, she's a badass powerful enchantress, the antagonist of King Arthur and Gwen. Contrary to the series, Gwen and Morgana really do hate each other... she's still Arthur's half sister (different father), in later literature she is Arthur's healer and one of the enchantresses that takes him to Avalon.

After being forced to marry one of Uther's allies, she is unhappy with the marriage and takes on a string of lovers, later being caught by Gwen and thrown out. She then continues studying magic, at one point being a student under Merlin while plotting against Arthur and Gwen. Morgana was the one who stole Excalibur's scabbard and threw it in the lake, never to be found. It is said it had magical powers itself, the bearer would not bleed to death in battle. She also was the one who exposed Gwen and Lancelot (yeaahhh!! go girl!!) and used Mordred as a pawn in her game. But at the end of one legend, all her evilness was said to be a test for Arthur and his knights and to scare the shit out of Gwen (yes, im reading wiki). Anyhow, Morgana still rocks. XD Oh and I'm wondering if she'll become the evil person she is in the series, last season we saw her almost embracing her evil side, having almost killed Uther... but that didnt work out now did it? hmm... might be interesting seeing her joining the dark side. haha


And after all this, why you ask, WHY do I still watch Merlin, eventhough it has been butchered and become so.. corny as to draw in interest from the t.v couch potatoes of the world?

The answer is Bradley James. lol. *nosebleed*

When i say garbage, i mean garbage. This is the cool sexy one though...

And below ish dedicated to...... ">.> *nyaa blushhhh*



Its really cool actually cuz the "i think im paranoid" part can be associated with me, but the meaning~~~ XDD

kyannnnnnnnng~ *blussssshhhhhh*
(aint that annoying?)

Dream Catcher

A song I'm loving right now.. eventhough its been a while.. hahaha, enjoy!

Dream Catcher

Olivia Lufkin

My mind always remembers yasashisa no kakera 
mune no naka dakishimete 

My heart blinded by tears 
sasayaka na toki mo 
kanawanai itoshisa wo motometeru 

ah hoshi wo kazoete 
nemureru you ni 
anata ni tsutsumarete 

I wanna be your dream catcher 
kokoro no oku sakanai hana wo 
itsu no hi ka shinjite 
I wanna be your dream catcher 
ima hajimete umarekawaru 
Fly again 

My heart never surrenders 
kodomo datta koro no 
massugu na manazashi wa kawaranai 

ah mitsumeru dake 
jishaku no you ni 
omoi wo tabaneteku 

I wanna be your dream catcher 
donna kanashimi ga otozuretemo 
mamoritai anata wo 
I wanna be your dream catcher 
ima hajimete tsuyoku nareru 
Fly again 

I feel something sneak in to me 
It surprises me 
Opens me 

I wanna be your dream catcher 
kokoro no oku sakanai hana wo 
itsu no hi ka shinjite 
I wanna be your dream catcher 
ima hajimete umarekawaru 
Fly again