Everytime you think you have everything under control for the first time.. it turns around and smacks you in the face. "Haha Loser"
Oh fuck you life.
Its not that I aint grateful... but you know the feeling when you have no idea what you're doing? As in, wheres the life you live? Like wondering what the hell you've been doing all this time? *sigh* Such annoyance.. the people around me, my routine, my dreams, reality, my relationships with people... I wish there was more.
Again with the whiny ranting of how fucked up this life is. Fuck you its my blog I can say whatever I want. Yes I'm childish.
But you know what? There's a difference between being childish and being immature. I like to consider myself a childish adult. Why? Cuz I can take on the responsibility life throws at me. Unlike this person whom I will not name cuz it doesnt matter, lets just say this person is a guy. So this guy likes to ramble on about how fucked up life is, like me. :D But alas! This person's luck isn't as bad as mine. I'd like to state why, and what makes my life so difficult, but I dont feel comfortable talking about it on a public blog. I dont know what his life is messed up about, but I doubt he suffers as much as I do. Sure, he got his issues, but I'd think they're more to self-issued issue rather than life's fun way of saying "fuck you". Anyway, why compare him and me? Cuz this "guy".... just annoys me. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.
Sigh... well, when life throws you lemons... you just have to enjoy the sourness. Put it in your mouth and cry, but you'll feel something awesome. Bitter, sour, but ironically amusing. When you have a negative take on your so-called "fucked-up" life, when you say everything bad always happens to me... when you think bad luck is stalking you... you know.. just STFU. People have it worst than you, so just get on with your self pitying life. Like me, I like to ramble and pity myself a lot. Why? No one gives a fuck. So after emo-ing, I just carry on. I mean, lifes like that, you cant expect everything to be rolled out in front of you, unless you're privileged. Damn, I wished I was privileged. You can't call yourself a man if you keep pitying the way your life is. If you hate your life so much, than fucking change it. Whats stopping you, rite? Money? Relationships? Fuck all of them, its your life, go live it! Cuz no one's gonna live it for you.
One thing I learned from watching Doctor Who is to just forget it all, and go where your heart desires. Its scary, but I cant live static for the rest of my life. My mind wont allow me. If I'm destined to be poor the rest of my life, then I'd find other ways to take me places.
Having ties to someone.. its heavy. I watched that George Clooney movie, Up in The Air and his motivational philosophy intrigued me, about the backpack stuff. How heavy ties and bonds to other people are. The closer the heavier. Its true you know.... the more you care the more you feel dragged behind in life. But really, why do we do it? Why tie yourself to other people? Fear of dying alone? Fear of being forgotten? We all die alone. But what is life without cherishing it with someone?
There are 2 voices in my head. One is a really dark part of me. Has no emotions, has violent thoughts and just hates everything. Somehow I think, if this part of me ever takes over.. I will be a sociopath. I mean, I dont know how to prove I do have really really scary thoughts... some might say I'm just trying to be cool or something, like making it up. Yea I do have a thing for sociopaths (Sherlock, Dexter) but that doesn't mean I wanna be emotionless and act violent for no reason. And when I say I have depression I'm not lying. =w= FYI. But another part of me, remains human. The part of me that wants to believe the good in people, that wants to love everyone. That gives a damn.
So whats my point? Well, these 2 voices in my head.... are bugging me. Confusing me to the point I dont know whats right or wrong. To be reckless, to embrace the darkness that haunts me, or to be the caring aneue people turn to. Arghh my head is a soap opera. My best friend wants to be happy, I wanna see her happy. But I cant. Misery loves company? Or am I just jealous? Jealous of what? I always believed deep down the nicer part of me knows the answers, but is suppressed by the mean part....
I need a coke. =w=
