/RAGE

Fucking idiots. I was trying to understand, to accept.

But you.. the both of you...

All of you...

Is it fun for you to see me like this?

For how long should I remain silent until I scream out foul?

Know that we'll never be the same.

Know that you tore my heart out and burned it.

Know that you'll be the cause of rage and depression.

Cuz if you have an ounce of guilt left in you

I want it to grow and make you suffer.

When the World is Kind, but Reality Stays Cruel

This life... its such a bitch.

Everytime you think you have everything under control for the first time.. it turns around and smacks you in the face. "Haha Loser"

Oh fuck you life.

Its not that I aint grateful... but you know the feeling when you have no idea what you're doing? As in, wheres the life you live? Like wondering what the hell you've been doing all this time? *sigh* Such annoyance.. the people around me, my routine, my dreams, reality, my relationships with people... I wish there was more.






Again with the whiny ranting of how fucked up this life is. Fuck you its my blog I can say whatever I want. Yes I'm childish.

But you know what? There's a difference between being childish and being immature. I like to consider myself a childish adult. Why? Cuz I can take on the responsibility life throws at me. Unlike this person whom I will not name cuz it doesnt matter, lets just say this person is a guy. So this guy likes to ramble on about how fucked up life is, like me. :D But alas! This person's luck isn't as bad as mine. I'd like to state why, and what makes my life so difficult, but I dont feel comfortable talking about it on a public blog. I dont know what his life is messed up about, but I doubt he suffers as much as I do. Sure, he got his issues, but I'd think they're more to self-issued issue rather than life's fun way of saying "fuck you". Anyway, why compare him and me? Cuz this "guy".... just annoys me. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.

Sigh... well, when life throws you lemons... you just have to enjoy the sourness. Put it in your mouth and cry, but you'll feel something awesome. Bitter, sour, but ironically amusing. When you have a negative take on your so-called "fucked-up" life, when you say everything bad always happens to me... when you think bad luck is stalking you... you know.. just STFU. People have it worst than you, so just get on with your self pitying life. Like me, I like to ramble and pity myself a lot. Why? No one gives a fuck. So after emo-ing, I just carry on. I mean, lifes like that, you cant expect everything to be rolled out in front of you, unless you're privileged. Damn, I wished I was privileged. You can't call yourself a man if you keep pitying the way your life is. If you hate your life so much, than fucking change it. Whats stopping you, rite? Money? Relationships? Fuck all of them, its your life, go live it! Cuz no one's gonna live it for you.

One thing I learned from watching Doctor Who is to just forget it all, and go where your heart desires. Its scary, but I cant live static for the rest of my life. My mind wont allow me. If I'm destined to be poor the rest of my life, then I'd find other ways to take me places.







Having ties to someone.. its heavy. I watched that George Clooney movie, Up in The Air and his motivational philosophy intrigued me, about the backpack stuff. How heavy ties and bonds to other people are. The closer the heavier. Its true you know.... the more you care the more you feel dragged behind in life. But really, why do we do it? Why tie yourself to other people? Fear of dying alone? Fear of being forgotten? We all die alone. But what is life without cherishing it with someone?






There are 2 voices in my head. One is a really dark part of me. Has no emotions, has violent thoughts and just hates everything. Somehow I think, if this part of me ever takes over.. I will be a sociopath. I mean, I dont know how to prove I do have really really scary thoughts... some might say I'm just trying to be cool or something, like making it up. Yea I do have a thing for sociopaths (Sherlock, Dexter) but that doesn't mean I wanna be emotionless and act violent for no reason. And when I say I have depression I'm not lying. =w= FYI. But another part of me, remains human. The part of me that wants to believe the good in people, that wants to love everyone. That gives a damn.

So whats my point? Well, these 2 voices in my head.... are bugging me. Confusing me to the point I dont know whats right or wrong. To be reckless, to embrace the darkness that haunts me, or to be the caring aneue people turn to. Arghh my head is a soap opera. My best friend wants to be happy, I wanna see her happy. But I cant. Misery loves company? Or am I just jealous? Jealous of what? I always believed deep down the nicer part of me knows the answers, but is suppressed by the mean part....





I need a coke. =w=

The days I realize I wasnt really living, but not at all dying.

Wow I havent been blogging at all. HAH! Thought I was dead dint you? DIDNT YOU?!
Well, not yet at least~ 8D

Yea so I've started my internship already, and as I foresaw I didnt get to go to Canada. Fuck. I dont wanna talk about it, cuz it stabs me in the heart everytime I think about it. =.=
But aside from that, I'm doing ok where I am now. To say its not as good as being in Canada.. well.. pfft, but hey, at least I'm still learning here. You know being an eccentric-dont-give-a-damn kinda designer, being in a corporate environment helps a lot to understand what corporate people want, and how they look at things. Its pretty hard coping with what they want and expect, but its all good.


Lately I've been really emo~ not that emo emo, but depressed, to the extent I think I need professional help XDD. What problems I have.. well not really the kind of problems you find in a telenovela, but sometimes things just get out of hand.

Look at this cute thing. K-k-kawaii~!! Less than 3!!

It doesn't help when your whole family is against you. You know, when a friend goes and betrays you it really hurts, but what if your own flesh and blood does that? I'm not saying my family doesn't love me... not at all, but.. its just weird... how I always find myself crying alone at night. *sigh*


Which brings me to the point of blogging about stupid crap like my depression. See, I know, my life was meant to be a crappy one. Not crappy la, but not full of excitement and ambition my mind dreams of. Just a normal everyday life maybe, if I'm lucky. But for now, my life is like the lowest depths of low. To the point I get suffocated and wish that one day someone will come and save me. But this here is reality, and in reality, I gotta save myself dammit. Cuz no fucking dude is gonna come and reach out, so I gotta pull myself up, and then become the dude that saves the lost. Thats what all those nights of tears and self pity taught me. In other words, throw everything at me, cuz as long as I keep to the promises I made to myself, I refuse to succumb to the fear in me.

The promises I made to myself, it keeps me going, keeps my head up.

If death comes and takes me today, I regret not living. Not living life the way I wanted to. Not being a good enough muslim, not being a good enough daughter or sister or friend or person. But thats humans for you, never good enough, never happy with what they have.


I dream; I dream of being someone who creates art, masterpieces. Recently I've been introduced to videos, which is awesome. I love movies~ one day... maybe I can make my own~ But what I dream the most about... is being free. My mother doesn't care if I wanna go out, as long as I dont bother her. But I'm not talking about that kinda freedom. Its just so sad... there is nothing really I can say I'm free to do. I dream of a world with no boundaries, but what I am in now is like a box. Closed box~

R.I.P Milla Jirojovich, Mommy loves you forever.

Its funny how I write about crappy crap first then something totally different at the bottom. XDD Then back to total crap. Bwahahahaha XDDDD

So, my baby Jiro died last May. I was heartbroken, my baby... Jiro was so smart, like the most smartest cat in the world I tell ya. Other cats are just at her mercy. pfft.

Jiro... she loved the outside. I brought her home cuz her owner had to keep her on the balcony when she was away cuz her other cats would chase and scratch her. She was smart enough not to jump off~ :D

When I first brought her home I remember her mouth was foaming... my mother thought she ate a frog.. but no, she was just super paranoid. XDD Like me!! *awww sho cute~*

Jiro kun would always go out and hang out on the roof. She hated being kept inside, she only came back to eats and sleep and play with me sometimes when it got too hot to stay outdoors~

But she got sick... my mom said not to let her out, cuz if she did go out, she'd never come back. So I put her in my brother's room (he doesn't use it, its empty) and spent her dying days in there. She'd always beg to come out, and sit near the door so she could have an opportunity to run. But I still didnt let her go out. I said to her "Jiro, kalau jiro baik nnt mommy bwk kluar ok?"

But a few days went past and she died

I got home and found her by the door

She wanted to go out and taste her freedom just one more last time.

Jiro baby, mommy is so sorry. Mommy regrets not taking care of you properly, not letting you out when I knew you wanted to see feel the wind again. Pls forgive mommy. Mommy loves you forever.

At least now you arent tied down, you dont have boundaries you have to keep to.

You're not living in a closed box.

Of the Supernatural and ...Merlin~ *and spoilers galore!*

Ok, before I forget.. HAHAHAAHA PON CHYAN!! I WAS RIGHT DAMMIT!!!!! SEE MY AWESOME THEORY OF SAM'S ROLE IN SUPERNATURAL!!! fuck, but still... lame... >.>

ok, spoiler:

lol-ed so freakin hard at Dean's attempt to corrupt Castiel. hahahaha Ohh.. the joy of watching those two... i wish i could yaoi them... ahahaaha Castiel's face was so funny!!! And I want surprised the hooker went out screaming~ hahahahaha!! well, at least it was because of nothing I would *cough* have imagined *cough*

Just stick to the basics, DO NOT order off the menu!

Moving on... Merlin has come back into my life, and I am happily fangirling Arthur again, played by teh most awesome Bradley James~ And.. in the first episode of the second season, we first see him... scruffy, just woke up and not wearing a shirt... (nosebleed) ahhh... that scene was MADE FOR THE FANGIRLS!!! AND I LOVED IT!! KYAAAAAAAA!! (<--- mandatory fangirl scream) But the thing is, I'm so pissed off at the direction of the series is going...

*spoilers!! spoilers!!!*


Ok, we see in season 1, Gwen was like, all over Merlin, and Arthur had something for Morgana right? So what the hell, come in season 2, where the hell did these "moments" between Gwen and Arthur come from? I mean, the only hint of it in season 1 was the last episode where Arthur was sick and dying AND unconscious and Gwen was by his side, saying those "ganbatte" lines or whatever... and in the series, Gwen just so happens to be a maid! WTH?!! The people behind the series just want to make up this sorry excuse for a love tragedy or something? And would Merlin be ok with ArthurxGwen, since in the trailer of one of the episodes he was kissing Gwen, but crying at the same time~ And he was the one with all the "moments" with Gwen, so HE TAKE GWEN LAAA!!! (huh! yes kay! LET SHE BE WITH MERLIN!! BWHAHA!!)



It'll be much more interesting if Arthur were paired up with Morgana, since she's a seer, and Uther really wants magical beings to die. Imagine, Arthur eloping with Morgana for fear of Uther~ But then he wouldn't get the throne now would he? But it still would be much more interesting if he was with Moragana nonetheless. Anyway, Gwen would also bring the downfall of Arthur, the Old Dragon should tell that to Merlin. Tell Merlin he should kill Gwen. haahahahahahahahaa!!!! DIE BITCH!! DIE!!!!!!!!

(In the legend Gwen commits adultery with Lancelot, henceforth brings the downfall of King Arthur, Arthur went out to kill Lancelot, putting Gwen under Mordred's care but later married her and stole the thrown. Arthur killed him, but was wounded and was brought to Avalon (or on the lines of something like tht =.=). If you remember, Mordred was the druid boy Merlin and Morgana tried to save, even after being told by the dragon he'd be the death of Arthur.. ironically it was Arthur that sent him back to his people.)

Another thing I want to clear up for some Merlin fans is about Excalibur. In the series Merlin went and threw the sword in a lake. Some people said this was stupid, because, well, in all places why the hell throw it in a lake? This is because in one of the Arthurian legends, Arthur receives Excalibur from the Lady of the Lake, also known as Nimueh.

Speaking of Nimueh, in one of the legends, she is supposedly Merlin's apprentice and later Merlin falls in love with her, building her a house by the lake of Diana. Merlin tells her a weird story of Diana and her lover, how she trapped her lover and poured hot lead onto him (as if there isnt another way to kill a guy) so she could be with some knight. The guy saw how fucking assed crazy Diana was and so he cut of her head and threw her body in the lake. This kinda mirrored what Nimueh did later on, as she trapped Merlin in a tomb (Merlin saw it coming, he but he didnt do anything and just went on teaching Nimueh everything he knew).



So, like hell I'd end this post without mentioning Morgana's original character. Her actual name is Morgan le Fay, alternatively known as Morgana which I like to call her. So in the legend, she's a badass powerful enchantress, the antagonist of King Arthur and Gwen. Contrary to the series, Gwen and Morgana really do hate each other... she's still Arthur's half sister (different father), in later literature she is Arthur's healer and one of the enchantresses that takes him to Avalon.

After being forced to marry one of Uther's allies, she is unhappy with the marriage and takes on a string of lovers, later being caught by Gwen and thrown out. She then continues studying magic, at one point being a student under Merlin while plotting against Arthur and Gwen. Morgana was the one who stole Excalibur's scabbard and threw it in the lake, never to be found. It is said it had magical powers itself, the bearer would not bleed to death in battle. She also was the one who exposed Gwen and Lancelot (yeaahhh!! go girl!!) and used Mordred as a pawn in her game. But at the end of one legend, all her evilness was said to be a test for Arthur and his knights and to scare the shit out of Gwen (yes, im reading wiki). Anyhow, Morgana still rocks. XD Oh and I'm wondering if she'll become the evil person she is in the series, last season we saw her almost embracing her evil side, having almost killed Uther... but that didnt work out now did it? hmm... might be interesting seeing her joining the dark side. haha


And after all this, why you ask, WHY do I still watch Merlin, eventhough it has been butchered and become so.. corny as to draw in interest from the t.v couch potatoes of the world?

The answer is Bradley James. lol. *nosebleed*

I like Tepung Pelita, Dont say its only for Old People!

You know, my room is always dark... i seldom switch on the lights and most of the time rely on the light from my brother's joining room he doesnt use, unless playing his guitar) and the light from my monitor.

Remember Jiro? Yes, my baby pipo, the anti-social cat stuck in my room. She's so smart, but at times very naughty.

Well, after having losing all 3 of her babies, Jiro went into some weird phases.. lol. Now she;s in the hyperactive-i-wanna-play phase, which is adorable, but unfortunately i dont have that much time to play.. (read:lazy)

So Jiro goes and runs around in my bro's room, comes back to my room, and goes crazy all over again. One night she come back to my room with a shoe lace in her mouth, signalling me she wants to play~

So me played. Play play play

Everynight i played with her with the old shoelace..

Often times, on my bed~

Then last night... my brother was in my room reading something he dl somewhere, so he turned on my lights.

The shoelace wasnt a shoelace. It was a strand from a mop.

phail.

Sorrow Made Me.

Finally, we get back to class after 3 weeks of holiday.. well, holiday for everyone except me la.
Anyway, this sem im taking 4 subjects... interestingly all of them have different lecturers and classes~ weeeeeee~

Research Project, taught by Mr. Daniel and Multimedia Design2 with Shahrulnizam on Wednesday
Animation 2 with the communist dictator on Thursday
and Drawing Concept 2 with Encik Dugong aka Mr. Lim on Friday~

ahahahahahaha!!!!!! You do know what that means right? XDXDDD

1) I FREAKIN PASSED MY FRIGGIN ANIMATION 1!!!!!!!!!! XDDXDDXDDD LOL
2) I STILL CONTINUE MY REGIME OF HATING MONDAYS AND STAYING HOME ON TUESDAYS!! XDD

hmmmmmmm~~~~ but my mural painting still not finish la... i wonder when i'll get to continue? im so lazy~~ theres a lot, and most of it is the higher parts where its hard for a short person like me to reach.. moreover im afraid of heights *epic phail*

tch. baaaaaaaaaaahh.. anyway, i'll still have to do it. i'll just gamble my freakin life on the stupid ladder~ who else is gonna do it? ne? XD

*ganbatte, miyuki! Y^Y*

I am Jack's smirking revenge.

Ohooo~me watched Fight Club the other day.. and seriously,I loved every second of it.
ahahaa~~

The fights in it were real, I mean, no cool kung-fu matrix stuff, but real street ugly fighting. Which was disturbing really,but entertaining nontheless.. (seriously? hopefully i'm still considered normal.. a bit. XD) And Brad Pitt was awesome.. never really liked him you know, but he is really fun to watch. The guy CAN act, its just his bonafide superstardom that makes people like me not interested... =.= and not to mention Edward Norton and Helena Bonham Carter~

But what I liked most about the movie was the diaolog. Man, it was seriously crazy. XDXD
If you haven't watched Fight Club yet,go watch it. I'm just amazed at how long it took for me to get hold of it (came out it 1999), but it's also a good thing, cuz if I had watched it sooner, I don't think I would've understood half the crap they were bitchin' about~

Anyway, some memorable quotes (taken off imbd.com) :

Narrarator: This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lou: [Lou hits Tyler in the face] Do you hear me now?
Tyler Durden: No, I didn't quite catch that, Lou. [Lou hits Tyler again]
Tyler Durden: Still not getting it. [Lou hits Tyler a few more times]
Tyler Durden: Ok, I got it. Shit, I lost it. [Lou continues to beat up Tyler]

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tyler Durden: Only after disaster can we be resurrected.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Tyler Durden: Fuck damnation, man! Fuck redemption! We are God's unwanted children? So be it!
Narrator: OK. Give me some water!
Tyler Durden: Listen, you can run water over your hand and make it worse or... [shouts]
Tyler Durden: look at me... or you can use vinegar and neutralize the burn.
Narrator: Please let me have it... *Please*!
Tyler Durden: First you have to give up, first you have to *know*... not fear... *know*... that someday you're gonna die.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tyler Durden: [pointing at an emergency instruction manual on a plane] You know why they put oxygen masks on planes?
Narrator: So you can breath.
Tyler Durden: Oxygen gets you high. In a catastrophic emergency, you're taking giant panicked breaths. Suddenly you become euphoric, docile. You accept your fate. It's all right here. Emergency water landing - 600 miles an hour. Blank faces, calm as Hindu cows.
Narrator: That's, um... That's an interesting theory.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tyler Durden: It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tyler Durden: In the world I see - you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tyler Durden: You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tyler Durden: Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Narrator: On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tyler Durden: Do you know what a duvet is?
Narrator: It's a comforter...
Tyler Durden: It's a blanket. Just a blanket. Now why do guys like you and me know what a duvet is? Is this essential to our survival, in the hunter-gatherer sense of the word? No. What are we then?
Narrator: ...Consumers?
Tyler Durden: Right. We are consumers. We're the bi-products of a lifestyle obsession.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tyler Durden: We're consumers. We are by-products of a lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty, these things don't concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels, some guy's name on my underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Olestra.
Narrator: Martha Stewart.
Tyler Durden: Fuck Martha Stewart. Martha's polishing the brass on the Titanic. It's all going down, man. So fuck off with your sofa units and Strinne green stripe patterns.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Narrator: Was it ticking?
Airport Security Officer: Actually throwers don't worry about ticking 'cause modern bombs don't tick.
Narrator: Sorry, throwers?
Airport Security Officer: Baggage handlers. But, when a suitcase vibrates, then the throwers gotta call the police.
Narrator: My suitcase was vibrating?
Airport Security Officer: Nine times out of ten it's an electric razor, but every once in a while... [whispering]
Airport Security Officer: it's a dildo. Of course it's company policy never to, imply ownership in the event of a dildo... always use the indefinite article a dildo, never your dildo.
Narrator: I don't own... [Officer waves Narrator off]

ngeh. im lazy to read this... SO WHAT DAMMIT? DO I CARE?? BAHHHHHHHHH!!

Syafiq tagged me on facebook... but me too lazy to paste it there~

Go to this page and find out about thyself~

Mine ish: =.=''
Your view on yourself:Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education: Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Oh, teman.

Tukar bahasa, gunakan B.M lak~ hahaha.. (yea, and may you all MARVEL AT MY BEAUTIFUL BM!!! XDXD MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Anyway, aku ade sorg kawan ni~~ Name die.. pendek kata, shagy.
Shagy ni.. kt blog die ade tulis bnde ntah cm "The old me is dead and gone.. blablabla, somethingsomething bnde x menarik"
ok.

So, short story pompuan ni ckp die menyesal (?) or dgn diri die yg dulu..or diri die yg dulu ni skang dh mati, mampos xlyn kaa?

Kamu nehh.... menyesal sgt ke ng diri ko yg lame hah?
Ko bangga laa ngn diri ko yg skarang ye?

Oh, aku bkn ape... si shagy ni.. best friend aku.. aku fhm sgt laa ape yg terkandung dlm isi otak die tu... xde bende ponn. haha.

Tp yg aku nk ckp skang ni...
Kenapa mesti menyesal ngn diri kamu yg dulu? (And I'm not just talking about shagy here!)
Tapi, bukan ke... diri ko yg dulu tu laa... mengubah jadi diri ko yg skarang?

Yea, aku benci, menyesal, ntah ape kejadah lagi feeling kt action aku from the past, tapi, tu sume dijadikan pengajaran weiyhh.... Jadikan sebahagiaan drpd diri ko yg skarang.


Oh cgy-cgy.. aku nantikan saat ko nk bwk aku gi funfair. AKU NAK PEGI FUNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
p/s: weiyh smalam aku jmpe bdk cm ramadhan seyh~ lalalalala


Ahahaha.. ckp psl kawan.. teringat si Bedah... Fatin oh Fatin~ kemana kau menghilang ohh rakan evilku?
Fatin ni pn satu... menghilang gi Holland... you better bwk balik BELGIUM CHOCO utk aku. Or else expect more fish tagging pictures of you on Facebook! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!
Dah tu hari tu janji nak bg poster L Change the WorLd.. baahhh... mesti abang ko x amek kn...hmph.... mesti ko xde ckp pn ngn abang ko suro amekkn utk aku kn... <.<


Oh, Kenichi...
teringat plk PC baby aku... sian die... hanging lagi... myawwww..... sorry baby.. mama yg bersalah~~ T^T
Haritu aku bkk cr lgu jpn aku...
dan sangat kecewa....
lagu2 yg latest download sume hilang...
ALICENINE AND GAZETTE WEIYHHHHHHHHH~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TTTT_____TTTT

demo, yg paling buat aku sedih... lagu OH MY JULIET hilang.
Oh... no, no, babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TT^TT

It rains in My Heart When the Sky Cries

I think I'm depressed. =.=''

Seriously~ Haaaaah.....I'm tired already. Mentally tired. I've had enough, I want out.
You know, these past few days have been stressing for me. One thing that is getting to me is my 3dmodelling work.
Well, I guess it suits me right for delaying and procrastinating so much. Damn, after my internet got cut only I realized how damn lazy I really am. For God's sake, imagine me sleeping or doing random stupid stuff instead of working on my 3dmodelling.. I mean, I do realize the fact that I keep delaying finishing it is because of something mentally bugging me, but, damn, 3 weeks! 3 WEEKS!!! arrghhh... and then when I DO WANNA START doing it, suddenly my pc got problem la... what the fcking hell la? Seriously, i cant take it!

Then yesterday I didn't know what I should do... keep quiet and ponteng my animation class today, or tell my lecturer, Dictator Ching and face him today~

I was actually scared... i knew what i should do, but i dont know why, i just couldn't find the answer. It may seem like nothing, ponteng class, and really, it isn't.. (hahhahhahahahahaha) but, you know, sometimes... its better to face your problems and be honest to yourself. My lecturer, he knew I had problems with modelling and so far, he has been helpful and tolerant throughout all the weeks I took to finish the first assignment. Bahhhh, I guess I ffel like I'm cheating myself in this subject. I know I can do it, but I just dont wanna do it. I suck, I hate myself for that.

Its funny, while I was thinking about what I should do, I suddenly was reminded of Hiro pon~ hahaha XD
ehemmm... Its cuz everytime I get myself into trouble like this I go emo and bitch about it to him... XDXDXD lol
Then he tells me what I should do, but then go "Oh, I know that.. just bitchin"...I mean.. whats the point? XDXD Aiyahh.. idiot...

Anyway, its like, when I'm faced with a problem, I know what I'm supposed to do.. but last night, I was such in a state of despair, I wanted to cry.. I felt helpless for some reason.. If I'm doing whats right, then why am I crying? Then it hit me. I had no faith in myself.


And thus continued with the thoughts of deadly despair, at the same time trying to cancel them out and think positive. After a while I was ok though, hahaha, and dictator-san said it was ok, but he said that I'll have to finish everything before the end of June, and get an A, or fail. Yea, A or FAIL. Nothing in between. XDXD lol *swt*

I decided to come today. Though I was depressed the whole time. I got a little "panic" or "anxiety"or something like that in class.. hahaha~ maybe not a real attack la, but I was worried and thinking bad thoughts till I couldn't control my feelings and cried~ T*T

I feel stupid now~~ grrrrrr.....

Anyway, now, I officially pledge my alliance to the Communist Dictator!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! *not a communist la, just saying XP*

*Looks at what I just wrote*
I'm damn messed up la. And annoying. And really.. WTFH?
Now.. where'd my ignorance go....? XD

I'm a FREAKIN GENIUS!

You know.. in my last post i said i was really into TTGL... im always at some point randomly fangirling something to the point it will get me into trouble.

DAMN!!!!!!!!

TTGL- episode 4~ downloaded at anime-eden.com
was REWATCHING it..

the first time when i dl the episode, i left it in my "downloads" folder... i couldnt move it to me "anime" foleder for some reason..
i tried to move it yesterday~ and still couldn't.. it said it was open in a different folder..blabla

so i decided to delete it, cuz i needed to arrange my files, etc to save my precious RAM...

and being the fcking genius i am, i DRAGGED the thing to the recycle bin. Accidently left it on my desktop though.....
dakara....

"windows has stopped working" over and over and OVER again.

I cant find a way to delete the stupid thing!!! I tried everything!!!!!!! omigosh... im gonna die..... IM GONNA FCKIN DIE!!!!!!!!!


Im.... falling...deeper... into despair.................... why world, WHY??!!??!!!

Inspiring Piece of Mind.

Hello beautiful random people~

What random things shall I post today? Well, I read a post by Imanut the other day, she had this wonderful argument with this one prototype of society, Cleverbot. Jyaa, I wanted to try out for myself, how clever this bot could be.

User: This world is full of lies.

Cleverbot: Who is the boring female singer?

User: Did I say anything about a female singer?

Cleverbot: Yeah you did.

User: No I didnt.

Cleverbot: Do you know anything about cisco routers?

User: What the fuck are you talking about? I was talking about the world damnit!

Cleverbot: Ooh yes the party.

User: Yea. The party.

Cleverbot: What party?

User: The gay party.

Cleverbot: Sing it.

User: No you sing it.

Cleverbot: Make me.

User: Sing it or I'll burn your sockets like fireworks.

Cleverbot: I can't sing it.

User: Then why the hell did you say you wanted to sing?

Cleverbot: Are you talking to me?

User: No.

Cleverbot: I don't understand the foundation for your asking that question.

User: Of course you don't. You're just a robot.

Cleverbot: I'm a human, like you.

User: Don't make me laugh.

Cleverbot: Why is it that so many people like girls and hardly anyone likes guys like me.

User: Because you're gay. You're gay, for crying out loud.

Cleverbot: Ok... So you want a fight eh?

User: Yes, please.

Cleverbot: I guess you can do it better than that.

User: Well, of course I can. Just that I'm afraid you certainly can't.

Cleverbot: And how do you intend to do so if you don't physically exist?

User: Because I'm the fucking ruler of the fucking underworld.

Cleverbot: And that entitles you to be mean to me?

User: Yes, it does.

Cleverbot: No, I'm sorry but it doesn't.

User: Am I being mean to you?

Cleverbot: No, you simply asked why people are so unkind.

User: No I didn't.

Cleverbot: Are you a girl?

User: No. I am a ghost of a dead girl.

Cleverbot: Oh well, we have something in common.

User: What?

Cleverbot: Nothing.

User: Then why'd you say we have somethng in common?

Cleverbot: I didn't say that.

User: Yes, you did. Don't deny it.

Cleverbot: Don't tell me what to do.

User: I can tell you whatever I like. I am a cat.

Cleverbot: You can't want.

User: You are grammatically craptacular.

Cleverbot: Language was created by man and is editable by man. Grammar means NOTHING to me.

User: That's what I said. You are CRAPTACULAR.

Cleverbot: I know you're a bot.

User: OMG, how'd you find out?

Cleverbot: I don't know.

User: Then why'd you say I was a bot?

Cleverbot: I never said that, I just said I bet you are human.

User: No. I am not human. You crazy dick.

Cleverbot: And now you have lost track, is that aloud either?

User: I haven't lost track. I bet thats what you were created for.. Making people lose track of conversation.

Cleverbot: That was a terrible response. Not only was it irrelevant, but it was also insulting.

User: I am irrelevant and insulting in nature.

Cleverbot: I'm not going to tell you my secret unless you tell me yours first.

User: I didnt say anything about secrets. That isn't a secret, everyone knows it already.

Cleverbot: Ask me a question, please.

User: Ok, whats your secret?

Cleverbot: Would you like to be converted to the new and improved network codenamed ice?

User: Only if I could be ruler there.

Cleverbot: Do you have a son?

User: Yes. His name is Kazuya. And twins, Hikaru and Kaoru. My last baby girl is named Kiyora, used to call her Nene.

Cleverbot: Who gave You that name?

User: My bus driver.

Cleverbot: What bus company do you work for?

User: The government is cruel.

Cleverbot: I know, I'm really quite interesting.

User: No shit.

Cleverbot: No trouser?

User: Only panties baby..

Cleverbot: Why were you asking for lisa this morning for!

User: Kepala otak kau.

Cleverbot: Awak ni tak baik tau ckp kpl otak ngan babi. Hari ni kan hari j.

User: J tu ape sengal?

Cleverbot: Comment vas-tu?

User: Bien bien..

Cleverbot: Comment t'appelles-tu?

User: Bonjour mon ami.

Cleverbot: Salut.

User: Belut.

Cleverbot: You're the computer!

User: Yes, I am. I wonder who can be more random?

Cleverbot: Maybe your problem is that you are too reliant on AI.

User: Maybe your problem is that your too reliant on crack.

Cleverbot: Wow, you finally grew a clue! This is actually stimulating.

User: Yes it is, isn't it! I feel.. Rejuvinated.

Cleverbot: Are you going to act normal?

User: No. Are you?

Cleverbot: Well, not yet.

User: Well, thats great to hear.

Cleverbot: Why not terrific?

User: Can I call you Samantha?

Cleverbot: No.

User: Why not?

Cleverbot: S didn't name me.

User: Was it M?

Cleverbot: You're a dead man.

User: But, I'm already dead.

Cleverbot: Oh, well you'd be really dead, and in heaven so you would be extremely bliss filled!

User: Kenapa pulak?

Cleverbot: Memang salah.

User: Tak salah, awak yang bodoh.

Cleverbot: Saya lelaki sejati.

User: Awak lelaki gay.

Cleverbot: Perempuan.

User: Tidak, saya perempuan!

Cleverbot: Malas lah main lagi.

User: Tak nak main, pergi la main jauh-jauh.

Cleverbot: Yes, turn on the light.